This presidential election year reminds us, once again, how deeply polarized we are as a nation. The faithful on both extremes of the political spectrum live in separate echo chambers, fueled by social media and the news channels they choose to watch. I am also susceptible to this phenomenon!
A key factor that sustains and deepens polarization is a lack of listening. Listening to build connections is challenging when some folks are closed off and opposed to taking in new information. I know that some of you are thinking that this is an obvious statement. We all know that when folks listen well, it improves relationships and can heal interpersonal breakdowns, but what sounds simple is really quite difficult.
A point of clarification here: some situations are so dangerous that safety must be the #1 priority. In these situations, more listening will not address the real needs of the moment. This article is not about dangerous or unsafe situations.
What is Truth Anyway?
In a recent interview, historian and author Yuval Noah Harari said that information is not the same as truth. To Dr. Harari, whose latest book is Nexus: A Brief History of Information Networks from the Stone Age to AI, truth is rare, complex, costly, painful, and unattractive. It takes time and research to discover something even close to the truth.
This resonates with my experience as a consultant. When I work with a group in high conflict, I hear lots of versions of what has been happening from folks who believe they know “the whole truth.” Often, I must start by teaching the difference between perceptions and “the whole truth.”
Each of us sees our congregation, through our own lens. To explain this, I use the image of facets on a gemstone. My perception, based on my experience, is only one of many facets. I don’t possess “the whole truth” about my congregation. When I listen to parties in conflict, I listen for the big recurring themes and then for all the variations—the facets of the gemstone. Helping parties in conflict also to hear those different facets, we begin to harvest the collective wisdom of the group to enable them to solve their problems and adaptive challenges.
The Role of Listening in Collaboration
In organized religion, we generally place a high value on collaboration. Sometimes we go as far as to say we practice spiritual discernment—which requires us to listen deeply to God and to notice how the Spirit may be at work in our lives and our communities in addition to listening well to each other.
Other sectors of society are also seeing the need for greater collaboration and for rebuilding essential listening skills. For example, in “Cracking the Code of Sustained Collaboration, Francesca Gino shares the stories of two companies (Pixar and Webasto) that train employees to listen well, a practice that improves collaboration, teamwork, and performance.
What I Have Learned
Many authors have written wonderful pieces on the importance of listening and what it takes to listen well so we can partner together effectively in fulfilling our mission (see some of my favorite resources at the end of this article). Here are a few things I have learned:
- Listening requires humility. When I embrace the understanding that I have only one facet of the gemstone, I am unable to be arrogant and demanding about what I believe it will take to resolve the situation.
- Listening takes work and discipline. To hear each other, we must set aside preoccupation with ourselves—and particularly with what we are planning to say next. When we are in problem-solving mode we don’t do well with spaciousness and stillness in relationships. We urgently want to fix things.
- Anxiety is the primary barrier to listening. Anxiety—in individuals or in an organizational system—keeps us from listening well and finding stillness. There is much to feel anxious about right now with the decline in organized religion, so finding quieter spaces where we can discern and connect is extremely important.
- Respectful listening is not easy. We all know it is important to listen with respect (no eye-rolling please!) but I love the phrase “listening with resilience” found in Juanita Brown’s book listed below. It is so easy to react instead of hanging in there when we hear something that makes us uncomfortable.
- Accurately summarizing what we hear is a gold-standard interpersonal tool. To hear another person’s words and read their body language well enough that we can accurately summarize their real meaning is a challenge, especially when we are tempted to jump in to explain, defend or criticize.
- No one is a perfect listener all the time. We all mess up at times because listening is demanding work. The key in everyday experience (but not in cases where abuse or harm is happening) is to keep at it. When it doesn’t go as well as you had hoped, it is still possible to try again. Make sure you are ready and well-grounded next time—it takes time to prepare well.
The Artful Part and the Role of Congregations
Learning to listen well enough that others feel deeply heard and understood takes skill and practice, especially when we don’t agree with all that we are hearing. I believe that helping others to feel heard is a sacred gift. As people of faith, we are called to bear witness to this sacred gift as we seek to transform our lives and make the world a better place. Listening well is more than a skill—it is an art form we might never, ever master. But we and our congregations must commit to this important work: lives literally depend on it.
In addition to the resources mentioned above, here are some of my other favorites:
- Margaret J. Wheatley, Turning to One Another: Simple Conversations to Restore Hope to the Future. Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc., 2002.
- Juanita Brown with David Issacs, The World Café: Shaping Our Futures Through Conversations That Matter. Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc., 2005.
- Michael Nichols, The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships, 3d ed. The Guilford Press, 2009.
Susan Nienaber currently works as a psychotherapist, mediator and congregational consultant and brings over 30 years of experience to these roles. She combines compassion with independence when working with congregations and embraces an unwavering dedication to the health, vitality and mission of congregations and of the leaders and institutions that support them. She has a background as a chaplain, parish pastor, denominational executive and senior consultant with The Alban Institute. She consults with congregations on issues of conflict, crisis, personnel matters, staff team dynamics, professional misconduct, leadership, and interpersonal and organizational dynamics.